Not Quite Wright

Not Quite Wright...
this page is edited by Mr. Richard Hertz

Three Ladies Getting Old
=========================

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't
remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself
on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I
was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

-----------------

A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili.The waitress
says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."So, he gets a cup of
coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his
meal, but the chili bowl is still full.He asks, "Are you going to eat
that?"The other guy says, "No, I just couldn't." The guy asks if he could have it. The other man replies I don't mind but I wouldn't suggest it. He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a deadmouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Letter to Dad:
--------------

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t
think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The Reply:
----------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help
section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it
considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will
clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too
skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own
skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came
from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone
was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than
she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and
on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Some Blonde Jokes.... bleaching does not count.
******
Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice bottle? Because it said concentrate.
******
Two blondes come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says,
"Look, bunny rabbit tracks." The second blonde says, "No, they're bear
tracks." "Bunny rabbit!" "Bear!" They argued about it until the train hit them.
******
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and
were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump
from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he
wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway,
sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she
owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde
said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I
saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money". The blonde
replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

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